The Worst Tracks of 2013 (apart from blurred lines)

2013 was a pretty spectacular year for music, for every Johnny Borrell, Beady Eye and The Strypes album, there was an Arcade Fire, Foals and Atoms For Peace album, to mention just 3. Here are the top 10 worst singles of 2013 (apart from the obvious one that we all know and really do not love).

1). Of the Night - Bastille

It feels a rather snobby phrase to adopt, and it shouldn’t be applied lightly, saved only for the worst attempts; but when confronted with a track like bastille’s Rhythm of the night, there’s only one word that comes to mind: MURDER. In short, this song is painful, skin crawlingly embarrassing, pissing on the genre that is disco. It’s not clear which of the awful elements administer the fatal blow, possibly the stupid and hideously faux-twee twinkly chimes of the opening bars, the stupid accent that the singer (whose name i don’t care to google) adopts making every word he croons sound annoying and melodramatically gag inducing; perhaps it’s the loud and unnecessary auto tune voice spelling out the actual name of the song (most likely to try and give an indication of what the hell is going on). Then comes the line “Oh I can ease you of your pain” which has about as much emotion as wallpaper, Tuesday afternoons and the colour beige. Made of both “Rhythm of the night” and “Rhythm is a dancer” this song is enough to confirm hatred of chart music, music involving wind chimes or music by posh people.

2).  Walks Like Rihanna – The Wanted
I normally “don’t mind”, bordering on “tolerate” inching towards “quite like” boybands. I almost sympathise them for the gratuitous hatred they receive for merely playing as much a part in music as any band does. But this song is suicide, this song is throw yourself off a bridge and bring your radio with it. From the romanticised chauvinism of “What Makes You Beautiful” an attempt at making girls feel good about themselves whilst inadvertently demonising any sense of body confidence and self esteem, a whole new ballgame was released, in the form of a slimy and, to be honest, audibly boring song by the wanted. “Walks Like Rihanna” embodies the cocky, River Island bloke, who uses casual racism, sexism and a bit of homophobia in the pub with work colleagues, who’d categorically deny any bigotry due to him having “many black friends” and his “bird’s hairdresser being a gay”. This song teaches that a woman doesn't need to have any skills worth mentioning so long as she has a seductive walk, which is really admirable when you remember it’s 2013 and we have moved on from misogyny in music, I mean, like, this song was released a whole 3 months after blurred lines for gods sake.

3). 23 - Mike Will Made It (feat. Miley Cyrus, Juicy j and Wiz Khalifa) 
Miley’s plight into the world of hip and swag is a clumsy and painful one; appearing as guest vocals on this car crash of a song in a desperate bid to shake off the middle class white girl she cannot quite seem to shake. Ooh! Miley is smoking cigarettes! Ooh! Miley is writing things such as “#23” on the mirror with lipstick! Ooh! Miley is sat on a basketball hoop holding a glittery basketball! Please. Cue yet more product placement and the worst attempt at rapping(?) since PJ & Duncan. With such lyrical dynamites like “I’m so high, I got three bitches that go bi (pussy), I’m so fly, I’m getting’ head like a blowdryer” it's a wonder this song only got to number 85 in the UK; and the less about Wiz Khalifa the better, unless this track is to be used as an example of how not to rap, in which case he does a sterling job. At least when Miley was Hannah Montana she made an attempt at singing (“true friend” will always hold a special place in my heart), but the teeth achingly dire attempt at gravelly and seductive fall flatter than the football jersey-cum-minidress. This song has about the same level of authenticity as Pizza Party, “Got a joint if you wanna get stoned [...] Waitress asked how many bottles? I said 23” BAM. 

And the rest:
4). Wake Me Up - Avicii (feat. Aloe Blacc): a hook that can only be described as sickeningly annoying.
5). Do What U Want - Lady Gaga: "You can't have my heart, And you won't use my mind but, Do what you want with my body" WOW.
6). I Wish - Cher Lloyd: Cher croons about wishing she "Woke up with a butt and a rack" in order to catch a certain gentleman's eye.
 7). If You're Ready Come and Get It - Selena Gomez: using a "hindu tribal feel" (her words) to create a slightly racist promo around an ultimately bland pop record.
8). Inner Ninja - Olly Murs (feat. Classified): using a painfully artificial ~reggae~ feel to a song won't make it any less BLAH Olly!! neither will using a children’s choir or a nondescript rapper!!
9). Give It 2 U – Robin Thicke: Er, yeah, no thanks.
10). Let Her Go - Passenger: “The vocals sound like a little gremlin is singing for the first time in its life” Nuff said.